I hate my smell

I hate the smell, I wish I could do away with it, it is making me a lonely woman, my husband has refused to come home, he works in Nairobi, and when he gets his leave, he opts to stay there, he has even gotten himself another woman, “she is younger, and more importantly, she doesn’t stink like rotten cabbages” his words. I cry when he talks like this, but I cry more when my seven year old refuses to enter my bedroom, she says rats died in there and she hates the smell of rot. Tell me, how do I tell her that it is not rats that the smell is coming from me, from between my legs, beyond my vagina, from my cervix? Ah, cervical cancer
From one of the women
Did you know that cervical cancer is preventable and that it can be cured if diagnosed early? Dont…dont let you get to the stage of having a bad smell

PINK underwear

Mama, you were right about this woman, it has been six months of torture, literal torture, now mama, I want to move back to my little cozy room in our house, I want to sit across from you during dinner and watch you dig into your brown ugali, and chinsaga, I want to come back to my room and sleep on blue bed sheets, I want to look up in the ceilings and see white, I want to look at the wall and see blue mama, because mama, I am tired of this pink doll, her pink face makes me want to close my eyes all night long, and she recently got pink hair, when I ask her she tells me it is called matching her hair with her skin tone, yeah her hair with her pinkish whitish complexion. She cooks pink mandazi, makes me skip breakfast every morning, when I ask she says I whine, her pilau always comes out pink, and abomination of abominations, she cooked me pink ugali, and served me with pale looking chicken, I was hungry, but I couldn’t look at the food twice, the thought of me eating ugali with food color made my insides churn, it made some bitter waters ascend in my esophagus and I ran into the bathroom to throw up, now the problem is, the sink is also pink, the towels are pink and the rugs are pink. This woman just can’t listen, she says she is classy and pink is her favorite color, she is tormenting me and when I complain she says she is a feminist, she doesn’t bow or bend her rules for any man. Now you see what I am going through? She never cooks me vegetables, she only buys some leaves and forces ,me to eat them raw, for my stool she says, then she blends pawpaw and avocado, adds some pink color to the juice and lots of honey and hands me a quarter of glass, of that stuff she calls that portion controlling. I have tried to make it work, but mama, my flesh is wasting, my eyes are tormented, only two days ago she burnt all my underwear and bought me pink under wears that look like hot pants, I take a shower in the morning then, as I am dressing I pull out my drawer just to find pink ugly things sticking out, I wore them mama, imagine that, and that not so straight gym instructor saw me in it, he winked at me, I had to run for the sake of my anal sphincter.

Have you had your pap?

Cancer doesn’t kill someone in a day, no,  cancer kills you as you are walking, carrying water cans on your back,  as you are gathering firewood, as you are swirling the uji for your children; it is slowly chewing  you, slowly growing inside you, spreading from the cervix down to the vagina, then to the other organs. All this time, there is no pain, no weakness, no bleeding, all this time, you are perfectly alright. By the time you get the symptoms, by the time you start bleeding after sex, the cancer has grown, it has probably spread to other organs, this is also the time you walk to the hospital, ten years too late. The doctors look and shake their heads, the disease is too advanced, surgery cannot be done, only chemo, and even after chemo, there is no hope of more than five years of life.
But cervical cancer can be prevented and even cured if caught early. This is why I am once again reminding the womenfolk, young and old about the need for screening, for it is only through screening that we can catch cervical cancer early enough. Women aged twenty one years and above, plus those who are younger than twenty one but are sexually active should start going for screening.
The most popular method of screening is Pap smear, but other methods, such as inspection, which is available for free in our level four (county) hospitals, can also be used. For adolescent girls who are not yet sexually active, vaccines against the causative virus are available. The vaccines, Cervarix and Gardasil are given in three doses, at 0, 2 and 6 months. The vaccines are not available in the public hospitals, but one can order for them via a pharmacy at a cost of between three thousand to five thousand shillings. Women aged between 9-26 years are eligible for the vaccine.
Remember cervical cancer is the number one cause of cancer related deaths among women Kenya, and in Africa generally. But the good news is that, it can be prevented, it can also be cured, but we need to catch it early.

Njenga…..

congratulations, you almost became a father! Can you imagine that? Only that this pregnancy ended as a miscarriage. You are fertile even though you walk around in those tight pants of yours in the name of fashion (everyone was worried for those balls). But Njenga, is this why you still live in a room adjoined to your father’s house? Is this why you have refused to marry kabisa, so that you can sexually harass minors who are mentally handicapped? Is that what you read from those newspapers and magazines that you always walk around with? Njenga, the men whose foreskins were removed at the same time as you are now married with two children and others (the hyperactive ones), with three children. Like Muchiri for instance, you shared the same clay soil early that morning, before the circumcisor came forth with his knife, but now? Muchiri’s daughter is graduating to upper primary next year. While you sit in your mother’s living room dressed in a short, so short that it looks like an oversize boxer, some marbles explicit from beneath.

A mug of coffee in your right hand and the remote control in your left hand. I wish you had a wife prepare you the coffee, you’d love it. But it’s your mum! You are watching a semi-pornography, with your father seated across you because he can’t sleep with all that noise from the TV (poor thing. If that TV had the guts to prosecute you for overuse, misuse or even both, you’d be rotting in jail by now, Njenga). Men your age are asleep, sound asleep. Snoring with their wives held snugly next to them, or even on their tired chests. Who told you your father wants to hear about Caitlyn Jenner who was…. Who was….? Who was he before she decided to become a she? So now that she increased the feminine population on this earth, are you going to ditch the bachelor’s club? And that coffee table on which your hairy legs are resting, do you know its worth? When do you plan to buy your own anyway? Are you not ashamed that you wait outside the door so you can pee after your mother poops in the morning? Just wish to know, old buddy.

I have no problem with you Njenga; you want to stay in your mother’s house until all the hairs in your body -including those that you never shave-turn grey? Fine. You want to put on a tight trouser until you can’t peacefully fart without tearing it? Fine. You want to watch hard and soft porn with your father? As you wish son. But Njenga…., about this girl Kawira, she has been bleeding since yesterday. And you know her, she rarely stays still, she refused to wear pads, she even refused to wear a panty she kept walking around, with blood flowing down her thighs, to her legs and unto the ground, leaving a trail of red on the hospital floor. You know where that blood oozes from? You think it’s hell, only Satan makes hell so bad. That blood Njenga is your baby, it has refused to stay in the womb. That unborn child feels that it’s wrong to be born. But you, you a respected man with lots of monies and a big car; you don’t care, do you? If you did, you would have thought before doing it. You would have engaged your brains fully. She spoke by the way; we know that you gave her a fifty-shilling-note (fifty shillings!) after putting your ‘thing’ into her. Now there, you put Satan in that hell and blood, blood, blood. You even threatened to kill her if she told anybody. Are you going to kill her now that she told us? Are you normal Njenga or you are also mentally challenged? I see no difference between you and a stray dog in Majengo, Njenga?

Don’t you have even a morsel of humanity in you? Kawira’s mother, I pity her. That widow? Isn’t having a mentally handicapped child enough tragedy to her according to you? Why then do you want her to cry her lungs out by impregnating her daughter? You might want to tell me you didn’t know that she will become pregnant if you did her? Is that so Njenga? That mentally challenged women only grow breasts, that their hips become wider and swing this way that way and this way again as they walk around, but they can’t get pregnant?

Now listen. Njenga and all others out there like him, you are a shame to the male species, how I wish you could have died before you were born (no pun intended), may hell fire consume you soon, may you testicles outgrow the space between your thighs, may your penises refuse to erect every time you are in presence of any skirt wearer. May you be washed away by a strange flu from the Cudiamarca. May you never grow? Amen

Mothers with mentally handicapped children, never send your daughters anywhere unaccompanied. This spherical world has turned upside down and people- weak enough not to approach a woman- are bound to take advantage of them knowing that they will never speak. Children who have been raped must be taken to the hospital immediately, that is the only way pregnancy and HIV will be avoided. They should not shower or change their clothing after a rape ordeal, this should be kept for evidence and assist in DNA tests to look for those mindless perpetrators.

Ps, Njenga, Muchiri and Kawira are purely fictional in this case.I have nothing against Njengas and the Kawiras in this world.

On Sat, Jun 6, 2015 at 9:22 PM, oyunged wrote:

VASECTOMY IS A METHOD OF CONTRACEPTION

Moffat is the man in every girl’s dream. He is tall, not so dark and smoking hot. He is not only a banker, he is also a very successful business man. He has been driving a range ever since I met him several years ago, and no, he is not fat, like other rich men you know, his stomach is flat, if you don’t believe, then come to our house and see for yourself. When our last baby came last year (sorry I hadn’t told you we are married with four children now), he said they are enough (the children), yes four sons are more than enough. I was excited, I even told my mother about my plans to go back for my masters.
My gynecologist offered us two methods of permanent contraception, tubal ligation (female sterilization), and vasectomy (male sterilization). We opted for vasectomy, now don’t open your mouth in amazement, Moffat is a cool man, and to be sincere, it is only fair isn’t it? After all I am the one who has been carrying babies in my womb and pushing them out to the world from between my legs( this isn’t a joke my friend), and besides, vasectomy is inexpensive, safer(compared to tubal ligation), and reliable with only a failure rate of 0.1% in the first year of life.

He was to go for the operation(don’t be scared it is only a minor operation under local anesthesia) today on first June 2015, except he has refused to wake up, I reminded him yesternite about his appointment, and he only nodded, the way a stupid school boy who is pretending to understand mathematics nods. I woke him at ten this morning but he only gave a low moan and continued sleeping. When I mentioned the vasectomy business to him, he woke up and gave me a look, the kind your father would give you when you tell him you are pregnant for the gateman.
It is now 6.00p.m, Moffat woke up two hours ago, he served his tea and groundnuts, took the T.V remote and sat. He has been watching ugly anacondas in Nat Geo World. Dr Njihia has been calling him; he has called about six times no reply. He called my phone two times, I didn’t pick would you pick if you were me? Then what would you tell him? That your gentleman, sorry your husband can’t have the operation or would you lie to him that you, and by you I mean the two of you have changed your mind? Today is over, that story about him having a vasectomy is over too.
Yes he is like other Kenyan men in this; they won’t have vasectomies, whoever lied to them that contraception is the work of a woman must have died (he can’t undo the lie). Even the educated ones think vasectomy is castration, that it makes them cripples, that it interferes with their erection, Kenyan men believe that women should be the ones to take the pills, they should be the ones to get the implants and the coils, and when they have acquired the right family size, they should have tubal ligation (after all they are the ones who become pregnant). This false belief should end, dear fathers, brothers and husbands, vasectomy doesn’t make you less of a man, and yes vasectomy I also a method of family planning

To sauti Sol et al

Hoping Nereah is doing fine, I assume that you live with her; it is what any responsible man could do. If you live together, say hi to her for me, and make sure that she takes her IFAS, those tablets are so nauseating I wouldn’t be surprised if she refuses to swallow them. I sincerely hope that you are doing fine; pregnant women can be hard to deal with. If she craves a roasted apple at 3:33am, please don’t tell her that story about killing the nutrients by cooking, just throw away your blankets, light that jiko,  roast that apple for her, and serve it in her favorite platter. You can continue sleeping from 6:05am.
I never wanted to talk about her today, but you see she is pregnant, she is living for her and the little man inside her( I have a strong feeling it will be a boy). Anyway, it is you sauti sol and those two friends of yours( the ones who behave like twins), that I wanted to talk to. Mmh, I don’t know where to start, you know talking about condoms can be a little tough( for an African like me ), but I must tell you this or tomorrow I will hear you asking Winnie why she aborted Kenyatta.
A condom is not something that you buy to keep in your bedroom, you never leave your eyes and your manhood in your bedroom, so you should never walk without them, for you never know the hour when temptation will come calling. It is placed over the glans (the sensitive part of your penis), and the shaft (the part that becomes hard), not over the two swellings around your penis (wink). A condom can only be won over an erect penis (did you know that sauti sol?). it is only effective when used from the start to the end of each sex act, I said each, it doesn’t matter if you will have sixteen and a half rounds, for those sixteen and a half times, you must wear a condom. Did you hear that luhya men? My friend told me you don’t like that latex sheath.
Remember a condom protects you from HIV and other sexually transmitted infections, besides preventing you from getting into this situation you are in with Nereah. Trust me condoms do not interfere with the sensitivity. I know it is cumbersome especially for those people who live in areas with no electricity, lighting the lantern ten times at night to wear the condom, and for those whose erections last for seconds to two minutes (the erection ends just after they have won the condom), but as long as you are not married to that girl, you need to use that condom, it is the only way of making sure that you remain clean because, you can never be sure that no one else enters her besides you.

Dear miss single successful

I am seated in front of my DELL LATITUDE/E6400, scrolling down pages in my surgery books, I am thinking, thinking of that man I saw with a large fleshy mass protruding from in between his buttocks, buttocks that were wrapped in a loosely fitting white boxer, with streaks of red (from the mass) and green from the opening just above the mass that is the anus. My phone rings, it’s Jordan, he sounds edgy (he is not good at concealing any emotion), shit, this is the tenth time he has called, I swear I didn’t hear it ring, wait, I forgot to remove the silent mode. He wants us to talk; I can smell a break up. I am almost sad but a break up will be cool. Don’t think I don’t love him, he is tall and not so dark (my type), he speaks amazing English (fish is his staple food), he is a banker, he cooks (I love love this), he is an excellent dancer, he goes to church though I haven’t heard him confess that ‘yesu ni bwana wa maisha yangu” he is the man I want, but he can’t have me, I can’t have him too. He talks too much about money and the economy, and appreciation and depreciation, he hates blood and the way I talk about pus and foul smelling vaginal discharges as if I am talking about vanilla scented condoms. He hates quickies, I love them (they are time saving). He hates it when I wear a lab coat on top of my chiffon blouse. My pediatrics textbook (Nelson’s textbook ) is too heavy he can’t lift one, I have about six like those ones to read and he thinks three straight hours of reading is too much. He is always thinking about babies, I am always thinking about my finals. He is just like the lawyer that he replaced, who was just like the accountant he had replaced.
The dreams of children clinging onto my wrapper, a husband dropping me at work, fat in-laws to deal with and a messy house to arrange are slowly fading. The only men who understand my kind of life are my classmates, but they think I am too old for them (even though they got their first erections before my breast buds appeared), they still sag their trousers though. The qualified doctors are all married to teachers, nurses, and jobless women, and besides they spend too much of their time oscillating between the hospital and the bar and I don’t want to be a second wife to some toothless drunkard surgeon.
My youth is far spent, my biological clock is ticking. school will soon be over, I am moving towards money and money is moving towards me, but farther and farther from men. the closer I move towards my dream car, the farther they move away. One thing is for sure, I will cling to my dreams that is why I have this feeling, that I will end up like you miss single successful woman. Tell me how did you end up like that? Choice or circumstance? How do you live in a five bed-roomed house alone? Isn’t it lonely? What dreams do you dream, wet or dry? Do you have sex? With whom? How often? Do you ever long for another cuddling mate besides your pillow? Do you ever long for whispers and hot kisses?
I love the way your car keys dangle from your well manicured hands though, I want to be able to walk in those six inch stilettos of yours, and look down and see short men. The way your skirt ends just above your knees, the pink bra that you wear beneath your black chiffon top, the way your hips swing this way and that way when you walk, the smell of your perfume, it pulls them to you, they wink, they shake their heads (in approval), they follow your form with their eyes, mouths and their manhood. But you single successful woman, you walk on, head up,  hands clutching your handbag as if nothing is happening, I love your focus, but do you want to tell me you never notice? That you do not feel light headed with all those winks?

Whatsapp Nereah?

Have you made a decision yet? Have you informed your parents?  Have you started having morning sickness?  What are you craving, is it omena and chapatti or avocado and sugar? How is your tummy? Is it showing? Has the baby started kicking? Imagine you are going to be a mother, are you excited or anxious? Pregnancy can be a very confusing state, but I pray that yours be filled with happiness, love and support. I really hope Sauti Sol are supporting you, hoping they didn’t vanish soon after passing  the message to you.
Tell me Nereah, how did you end up with an unplanned pregnancy out of wedlock? Was the sex consensual or was there any force, or any threats (you can always confide in me)? Was it pre- planned (the sex I mean) or did it just happen? Why didn’t you use a condom for goodness sake Nereah? Or did you have a condom accident, (sorry if that was the case).  Don’t you know the dangers of unprotected sex or did you forget that the cure of AIDS has not been found yet? Was that the first time you had sex or has it happened before? Nereah those men were six, who among them is responsible, or do you want to tell me it was all of them? Then how will you know the father?
Whatever happened Nereah, remember to learn, do not forget the dangers of unprotected sex, besides HIV, you could get other sexually transmitted infections like hepatitis B and C, syphilis, and genital warts, you might be at an increased risk of getting cervical cancer for having multiple sexual partners also(but I hope it was just one).
Whether you want to keep that baby or not is your decision Nereah, remember you will have nausea and vomiting alone, you are the one who is going to be in labor not Sauti Sol, it is you who is going to do the  pushing not them. While you will be having sleepless nights nursing the baby, Sauti SOL will be sleeping, waiting for their baby girl to grow into Lupita, their son to grow into Obama, or Nyerere.
If you choose to keep this baby however, get a written commitment from this guys, start your antenatal clinics right away, you can have an ultrasound to confirm the sex, so that you can decide on a name. Make sure you start your IFAS, get them to help you with baby shopping, remind them to save up for the delivery, a nanny, and if you want a Lupita or a Nyerere, start saving for his/her education.
Now if you have a problem understanding this Nereah, please give these words to Sauti Sol, tell them to make a song out of these very words( trust me they will, they are soo talented). Then if you have a question, tell them the question, they can ask me through a song. Bye Nereah, hope this helps you

Happy belated mother’s day

To all the mothers out there
May God bless you so much on this day, we love you, it is the least that we can do for all the nausea that we gave you while we were still fetuses, for all the pain that you endured to bring us to the world, for all the sleepless nights that you had, nursing us.
You carried us in your wombs before we came to this world, when we came, you held us in your hands and looked at us with tenderness and love, when we became too big for the hands, you placed us on your backs.
Thanks mama.
To all the women out there, you are the greatest may you live long

Cervical Cancer

Let us talk cancer- cervical cancer
Cervical cancer is caused by a virus that is usually transmitted sexually, the risk factors for cervical cancer are; multiple sexual partners, high risk sexual partners( a promiscuous partner), early onset of sexual intercourse, history of sexually transmitted diseases( STDs), immune suppression (mostly AIDS),high number of deliveries, and others( low social economic status, cigarette smoking, etc).  Cervical cancer is related to ones’ sexual behavior; that is why you need to have that sexual chat with your young ones. Yes we are going to make sure that they get the gardasil or cervarix (cervical cancer vaccines), we are going to remind them to do their pap smears, but again we are going to teach them about sex.
We are not going to tell our children that sex is tabia mbaya (sex outside marriage is not good manners though), that is sex bad, that those who have sex will burn in hell fire. We will tell them that sex is a gift from God to two people who love each other. It is a gift that should be shared among people who are married. We will teach them of the need to abstain, but we will also tell them that at the other side of abstinence, sex happens, if it ever happens outside marriage, remind them that it shouldn’t be unplanned, it should never just happen, it should be responsible sex, with a partner who is faithful to them, and they should use condoms by all means.
Majority of parents avoid discussing sex matters with their daughters, they live hoping that their daughters and sons are abstaining. Then the daughters grow up adolescence comes and the hormones happen, the breasts push on the clothes,  the hips become rounder and curvier and the neighbor’s son notices, then he touches the breast and arouses a desire that can only be quenched by sex, before the girl knows it, it has happened. She has had sex without protection, and pregnancy is inevitable. At the age of thirteen, a child is forced to have a child (Nerea-usitoe mimba yangu), and the road to misery for that young woman begins.
There are very few adolescents who know whatever they need to know about sex, very few, majority are left to find out on their own. They always find out from their peers, media, and of course trial. This is the reason why they make so many mistakes because they learn through experience.
Most parents even at this age cannot talk to their children about sex. Well it is hard, and I know most are asking in what language can we have this sex chat with our children? Talking about sex involves words that are considered extremely vulgar especially when said in our mother tongues or in Swahili but then we have no option. We must tell these things to our children no matter how uncomfortable they make us. This is the only way we are going to be safe.
Teenagers should be encouraged to be free with their parents. Encourage them to introduce you to their boyfriends. Let them know that there is nothing wrong about feeling like they love someone of the opposite sex. Help them with their boyfriend issues. Life is not just about books and good grades; life is about sex, love and hate too. If you are a mother, you have been a teenager before; you have passed through all these stages. There are things that you wanted to be told, thing that you were never told, be different, be the mother who tells their daughters what they need to know, never what you think is right for them to know.